


New Place to Begin

by Senxvi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Drama, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gay Keith (Voltron), Hunk & Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Hurt/Comfort, Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Slow Burn, Teenage Drama, True Love, pidge and lance are platonic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-03-26 16:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13861290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senxvi/pseuds/Senxvi
Summary: Lance McClain holds the biggest grudge against his high school nemesis, Keith Kogane, for breaking his heart in the worst way possible. After high school, he lived his life as best as he could, never thinking he'd have see him again. That is, until his sophomore year in college. Old memories come back to bite and Lance gets ready to finally have closure with "the worst person ever".... or so he thought..





	1. Chapter 1

Lance stormed into his dorm room and wanted to just yell so loud. Blood boiling emotions made him want to scream so loud that even his ancestors would flinch at the pure agony in his voice.

The reason for this screaming? simple.

In his college literature class there just so happened to be an old high school nemesis sitting right across from him.

There was a specific type of feeling that Lance had gotten at the exact moment that he had made eye contact with the one person he could not stand to see whatsoever.

It was like he was dying to say hello because he saw a face that he loved yet simultaneously it was like wanting to punch him right in the gut for betraying his loyalty.

Keith Kogane.

The disgust in even thinking the guys name made Lance stick his tongue out as if he was about to puke.

It had all started during their senior year of high school, being in the same friend group and all, it was more of a forced start in the “friendship”. They never had one on one hang outs unless they were left alone during library times when their friends (Katie and Hunk) went off exploring for the computers.

Even in those times, it was mostly only quiet glances and awkward smiles. Lance would occasionally share a meme or two when it was extremely funny and it just had to be shared.

It wasn't until they actually started talking during a party when Lance realized how different they actually were. Keith liked the color black and Lance liked the color pink. Keith was apparently talented at everything. Lance wasn’t.

Keith was an honor roll student, he had  been adopted by a rich and single business woman, played the cello, took martial arts classes after school, and had oil painting classes that he “occasionally” taught.

It wasn’t because of his lavish perfect way of living through life that threw Lance off. That was the least of his concerns with Kogane.

Katie, she liked to be called Pidge, was also a known child prodigy and Lance loved her with every cell in his body.

He loved and cherished his friends so much.

and it was the fact that During their senior year of high school, Keith, took _absolute advantage_ of Lance’s loyalty.

Everyone in the school knew that he put friendship above anything else.

Sure, he was an average A ( _sometimes B+_ ) student, had what he believed to be an extreme case of anxiety, didn’t have any special talents, and had an obscure obsession with video games. 

The only thing he had to his name was that fact that he spent a lot of time reading tons of books. He had read so many different books that he’d burst out randomly with unnecessary information.

He was also the president of the astronomy club in high school but that was only because both Pidge and Hunk refused the position. Hunk was treasurer and Pidge was Vice president and the secretary. If it weren’t for them, Lance wouldn’t even matter in the equation.

Hunk and Pidge hated when he said that, so he was told to leave that math work for Pidge.

Disregarding all the reminiscing of the high school days, Lance started to remember bits of what Keith had done to him.

There was so much screaming at that time, so much miscommunication, he lost very little since it was just high school drama but the impact was so deep. Lance knew that the high school drama was a mess that was meant for the past but it was impossible to forget. There were so many panic attacks happening after it had all finished.

Lance had a pretty decent sized dorm room to himself, thanks to a scholarship he had earned, but at this very second he felt the room start to shrink in on him. He felt his whole body freeze as he laid down paralyzed on his bed. He felt his chest crumble in and covered his eyes with his arms, wanting to cry but not being able to get even a single tear down.

It was clear that Lance’s anxiety issues stopped him from reaching his true potential and yet when it came to remembering everything that went wrong in his life, it never stopped.

It became worse after that day. After everything was taken by the neck and snapped dead.

Everything went to hell after he confessed his feelings to Keith during Prom night.

* * * * 

Lance didn’t recall falling asleep; his whole body just clocked out without him realizing it. This kind of thing was normal and if anything it was a blessing to be able to sleep at all with his recurring problems with insomnia.

The usual morning started off with Lance’s phone alarm blaring. His sensory overload was easy to generate in the mornings. He was sensitive to sound so he never set his alarm as any of the obnoxious default sounds. Instead, his alarm was from one of his most favorited video games, The Legend of Zelda.

When he woke up he felt an immediate feeling of paranoia as if he had done something _wrong_ but did not know exactly what it was. Deciding to brush off the worry, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. If he couldn't organize the mess that was in  his mind then he might as well take care of the outside.

He thanked his positively radiant skin for making him feel like a freshly picked peach.

As he groggily walked toward the poor excuse of a “kitchen area” in his dorm room he opened his mini fridge and popped out a box of frozen blueberry waffles. His secret obsession over blueberry waffles was almost terrifying yet something to be amazed at.

He could eat a whole box in a day if he wanted to.

Lance didn’t like being left alone with his thoughts so he normally just stared off at nothing. Keeping his mind on little things like keeping the place clean, taking care of his skin, and playing video games.

Usually, he just spaced out a lot.

After eating his waffles he just prepared some fresh organic lavender tea in a blue thermos and dressed into the clothes he’d wear today. He decided on a pair of black skinny jeans with a bright yellow turtleneck shirt that clung nicely to his body, complimenting his stringbean-like form.

Morning time was for sure not Lance’s favorite time of the day but he knew the importance of starting your day off on the right foot. So as much as he would much rather wanted to crumble into his bed and shower himself in tears, he couldn't do that to himself… or his family.

It was an unexplainable feeling. Lance knew he was alive, he knew he had so many good things going on for him in life but he just couldn't help but walk out of his door feeling so numb and empty.

But this was everyday so it _didn’t matter_ what he felt.

He just needed to get himself through it.

*  *  * *

Lance’s major in the university started out in astronomy so that he could pursue his dreams of patrolling space stations but during his freshman year he really couldn't stand the idea of being away from home.. It just didn't feel _right._

Lance was the type that was more rooted on earth than floating up on the clouds. The idea of looking down on earth from an empty space craft made him feel _alone_.

So, with that said, he was trying to find himself this year by taking the high road and majoring in Botany. He always loved taking care of the garden he had built from scratch back at home so he decided to take the seed of that hobby and make something out of it.

Plus, he loved science. Not that he would say it out loud, only dorks do that.

The brisk morning air was refreshing and there were barely people walking outside. The fresh smell of the dewy grass made him feel relaxed, better than when he had woken up.

See, starting out your day on a positive foot did help.

“Lance, wait up man!” a familiar voice called out from behind.

He turned around to see the beautiful face of none other than Pidge Gunderson herself. “Hey, Kitkat” he responded with a smile.

“When are you going to stop calling me that?” retorted the small sized girl while adjusting her satchel.

She liked the nickname, just not the origin that it came from. Lance knew Pidge ever since they were in elementary school. He was in fifth grade and she was in fourth. Pidge’s older brother, Matt, had given them all candy bars  during their recess time. Lance had gotten and Twix bar but ended up getting bullied by some gross kids in his class so he lost it. Pidge, seeing the whole ordeal go down, decided to cheer up Lance by giving him half of her Kit Kat bar and proceeded to use her half by sticking up the chocolate sticks, one for each nostril, right up her nose and proceeded to make funny faces at a crying Lance.

Lance loved her ever since.

“Never _ever_.” he chuckled. “How’s the new year welcoming you?” Lance asked. Pidge was a new freshmen in their college. 

“Engineering is super fun. I’m half done with the work given to me on the syllabus for the semester so I should be okay to chill for a couple weeks. I’m tired. How are you?” Pidge asked carefully, knowing Lance was never good at talking about emotions.

Lance looked to the side and shrugged “I guess i'm okay. I mean, there's nothing wrong or going on. So I guess it's all okay. Except that I have college literature with Keith Kogane this year.”

“What?! That greasy emo is here?! Oh god if he tries anything-’ Lance quickly cut her off.

“Relax, Kit Kat. No big deal. That was forever ago.” he managed to say even though he knew it was a big deal to him.

Pidge opened her mouth to say something but realized that it wasn't the time or place to say it. Lance was already scratching his arm and that was a sign to stop talking about the subject at hand. Lance’s body language was easy to read. “Okay but if you need me you have the key to my dorm, okay?”

“And you have the key to my heart” he swooned, using his humor to change the subject.

Pidge only replied with a soft tisk. “Let’s hit starbucks before we have to get to our classes, dude.”

“Sure sure” he nodded. “But you're talking to the cashier” he quickly added. “Please.”

“Right, Iced coconut caramel macchiato coming right up.” replied Pidge.

* * * * 

**[A LOOK INTO SENIOR YEAR: THE LIBRARY]**

Lance may have been outgoing,overly friendly, and very hyper at times but that didn't mean that he was immature. No, it was the opposite. He knew that if he wasn't doofy and kind that he wouldn't have had a smooth ride in high school.

The outsiders who had no friends weren't happy people and for his whole life thats all lance wanted, he wanted to be happy. _Whether it was fake or not_.

He kept the hope that _one day_ his smiles would be real.

“Hey” said Keith peeping from behind the book that Lance was reading.

“Hi there” Lance replied, trying to keep a grin back. God, those eyes were so cute.

“Why don't you take your nose outta that book, huh?” Keith hummed.

Lance’s eyebrows rose from their usual position “Why don't you pick one up? You could really learn a thing or two, ya know.” he teased.

“Oh, yeah? What could I possibly learn from..” Keith smirked and peered at the cover of the book. “Octopus!: The Most Mysterious Creature of the Sea?"

Keith bit his lip and slowly started to help Lance put his book down. “Y’know, for a jokester kind of guy you're _awfully_ uptight, right now..” 

Lance rolled his dark blue eyes and gave a teasingly sarcastic reply  “And for a mysterious rich guy you're _awfully_ upbeat.”

Keith had managed to make Lance put his book down on the table as the conversation kept going. Lance noticed that Keith had put his hand on top his, Holding it.

“It's called being cool, now come.” Keith cooed while pulling Keith from the library table and leading him into the maze of book shelves.

Keith carefully led then to an isolated part in the maze. There was certain sensations he got that were exclusive to when Keith led him against a bookshelf to make out. Maybe it was the teenage lovestruck nuance or something.

Lance lost his breath, realizing that Keith was getting _closer_. It wasn't the first time they both did this but it still wasn't something his mind could get a grip on. 

The first time this happened just so happened to have been the first time Lance got drunk. He's raised by a very religious family so he had very little “wild” teenage experience, well, that was until Shay’s _party_. Shay was a mutual friend of the group so he went. He had no clue what was happening but all he could remember was that by the end of the night Keith and him were _dry humping and slobbering on each other like drunk animals_ in Shay’s bathroom.

Lance was pretty much the only guy in school who was open about his sexuality. Everyone stayed away from him and just called him “gay gay gay” but he wasn't gay he was bisexual.

Regardless, he liked what he had with Keith. Oh man, _he loved it_. He loved the feeling of Keith’s lips right against his. The way Keith’s _hands_ curiously wandered around his body but never too far enough to scare Lance away, _it was melting him all over_. His senses were all turned off.

Anxiety did not exist in this warm bubble. _Not_ behind these bookshelves where someone could possibly catch them. _Not_ in his mind that over thank even the slightest actions. _Nothing._

Lance held onto Keith and parted their lips to get some air. “You know what's _cool_?” Lance asked and Keith softly pecked his lips before answering “what’s cool?”

“When put under immense amount of stress, an octopus will start to eat itself alive.” Lance said, wiggling his eyebrows “huh? Cool, right?”

Keith took a moment and started laughing as quietly as he could “very.. _very cool_ , Mcclain” he replied licking the bottom of his lip and making eye contact with Lance. He started pushing their bodies closer. Lance followed, rubbing his hands on Keith’s hips as their lips _clashed_ together again.

* * * *

By the time that his Chemistry lecture was over there were no remnants left of his Starbucks drink. But that was perfectly fine because now he was walking across campus towards the English department and that meant it was time to take out the blue thermos with the tea had prepared this morning.

Lance hated confrontation with anyone and he knew that Keith didn’t. Keith was hot headed and way too rash with everything that he did. In his mind, He was the absolute worst person.

It was only a matter of time when Keith thought it would be okay to strike up conversation with Lance.

No, He had his tea. He needed to keep his nerves down. Tea was magic. Magic.

lance's legs started to feel weak while he walked. oh man, he just really wanted to switch English classes.

As he entered the classroom he decided to sit in a different spot than yesterday. He didn't want to sit near Keith.

Not that he didn't want to, He just couldn't without wanting to burst into thousands of flames at once.

This was all too complicated.

To get his mind off of it all, Lance began to open his laptop and the workbook needed for the class. During the first and second semester of this class there was suppose to be a big focus on communications, presentations and writing assignments. He has yet to meet the professor of the class since yesterday they had a substitute.

“Partner work, just great.” mumbled Lance under his breath, rubbing the back of his neck. Partner work usually meant someone leeching off of him.

“Class is in session, everybody.” cooed a middle aged woman who dressed like she was a flight attendant or ..a librarian?

Wait, not that he cared or anything but Keith hasn't come in yet. It's way too early to start there's like five minutes le-

“Listen up listen up listen up listen up.I am not like most professors in this school, got it? I don't slack. I don't do extensions on assignments and I for sure do not accept any sort of late work, it goes in the garbage. Presentation’s are 40% of your grade, Essay’s are 40% of your grade, Partner work is 20%” 

Lance started to tense up. None of his other professor’s were like this..”In this class you will learn to c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-e.” she paused and glared at the class “communicate! Repeat after me. Communicate!”

“Commun- communicate..” The most awkward sounds came out of the students. No one was in sync and no one was happy to say it. It was like she had guns over our heads. Lance didn't even bother to open his mouth.

What was this ladies name again? He checked his schedule. Ms. Haggar. Ugh, even her name was puke worthy.

It hurt to even listen to her earaching voice.

“I am communicating to you, my students. I’m telling you my class rules and if you do not abide to them then expect to retake this class. Each time you are late to my class it is one point off on the grade book. 

Suddenly the was sound of the classroom door opening, which made lance’s head prop up.

It was Keith, looking disheveled and quite a mess. Lance didn't think that mullet of his could look worse than it already did.

It made Lance smile a tiny bit.

“Tsk tsk, Just as I was talking about latenesses!” she scoffed. “Student, what is your name?” she said in a menacing voice.

“Uh, Keith Kogane.” he said, confused.

“Mr. Kogane, the class started three minutes ago and I take no excuses for anything. This is a point off on your grade.” she shooed him off to go sit.

“ _Okay??_ ” Keith gave the most hilarious expression Lance had seen yet. Anyone could easily tell he was thinking ‘lmao don’t care? What the fuck’

Keith looked around for a seat he spotted Lance. _Fuck, no noo noo_. He couldn't be around him. _He's the worst_. He's the absolute _worst_. If only he had a superpower that could mind control Keith into sitting somewhere else-

aaand Keith sat right next to him.

“Good morning.” greeted Keith.

“You mean good afternoon” corrected Lance, keeping his eyes on the board. He kept a scornful look on his face.

Lance really didn't feel like fighting him but he just _couldn't_ forget anything. He knew he was being more than childish at this point.

“Oh right, Then, good afternoon.” Keith said, keeping his voice low.

Was Kogane actually trying to get along? Did he actually want to talk to Lance or was it some form of pity? Or even worse! Was it some form of making himself feel better after what he did to him?!

These ideas made Lance’s whole body go into flames. “ _Listen here_ , I don't care if you feel bad for what you did to me but don't you dare think that we are suddenly friends when-”

“Mr. Mcclain!” Haggar called out. “Do you really intend to Interrupt my class?” she gave him a threatening glance.

“No, ma'am, I apologize. Please do continue” Lance said while standing up and bowing.

It was pretty obvious that Haggar took a moment to think about taking off a point on lance’s grade but she decided not to since ‘he was polite to her’.

She took that opportunity to explain to the class that she wasn't the ‘evil witch’ that everyone said she was. That as long as people respected her she would have mercy but in truth, she just loved feeling greater than everyone. She loved to look down on everyone.

Like a certain someone Lance knew..

This all gave him an anxiety attack that was going to last a millennium. 

Lance sat back down and gave a sigh of relief. no words were exchanged between them after that.

Haggar's lesson was filled with shit Lance would have to cover again later. His eyes were watering and he felt the urge to throw everything he had on the floor. His whole body started to feel cold while his leg bounced. His head felt like it was hotter than lava and his legs were cold but he knew that on the outside he was just sitting still, staring at nothing with a bouncing leg.

It wasn't until Haggar decided to announce their  first project on the  first day that Lance started to pay full attention.

"You guys have topics to choose from online. You all have to work with the partner assigned to you, pick a topic, and present your work by the end of the week." she really was a witch. who the hell gives a presentation when they barely learned anything so far?! 

"remember guys, _communication._ " Those words made something _snap_ inside Lance. 

Suddenly everything started to feel like it was closing in on him. He looked down at his shaking hands and they _didn't even feel like his own._

_ There was so much pressure at once that the air felt heavy. He knew this was nothing and that everything would be okay. He knew. He knew communication was key but he hated it he hated it so much he’d rather die. No. NO. Everything would be okay. Lance was okay. he was okay. he was okay. Fuck. Fuck but he couldn't stop shaking. he couldn't stop thinking. His whole head felt like it was turning into soup. _

_ Everything was his fault. _

_ What made him feel even worse was the fact that he knew he had no right to feel so distraught about anything. He had his family and a nice college career and the most amazing friends. He knew he was weak and stupid and disgusting and godpleaseletmebreathe and and  _

"Keith Kogane and Lance Mcclain" said that voice that gave him stomach ulcers.

“There, I've called out all of the partners so class is dismissed.” Lance took this chance to grab his things. His eyesight was blurry, only seeing the outlines of his belongings. He hated these moments but they were something he was so use to.

“Where do you want to meet up for the pres-” Keith was cut off by Lance’s gaze. He painfully met those violet eyes that he use to love so much.

“Kogane, I don't care if we were partnered up for this stupid presentation. You do your part, email it to me and I’ll attach it to my part. No meet ups.” Lance was walking out of the class and Keith was rushing to follow him.

“And let you do all of the work? Are you kidding me?!” Keith retorted. “No way.”

There was that hothead he remembered. Lance stopped walking in the hallway and faced Keith, keeping his chin up. It didn't matter if he looked like he was literally going to faint at any given second.

“No. I’m not kidding but its not anything new that you’d think everything I say just a joke, is it?” Lance spat out.

There was an awkward silence until Lance started to speak again “I don't ever want to be associated with you.” _not true._ “I hated you then and I hate you now so stop trying to be the victim here.” _Not true_. “Don't kid yourself into thinking you re a good person because you _aren't._ ” 

“ _Lance_ -”

“ _No_. Ever since high school, I've had enough of you.” Lance’s shaking body voluntarily turned around to storm out of the building

he couldn't stand even breathing in the same vicinity as him.

_"The library_.” called out Keith from behind, in hopes Lance would turn around. 

And he did, he turned around, his heart skipping a beat with those words.

“What?” a weak voice came out from Lance's dry lips. His hands were clearly shaking.

“Just for the work. I know grades mean a lot to you so don’t worry about anything. I apologize for Haggar partnering us up but don’t think too hard, Lance. _I don't need a second chance_ , I don't need you to hear me out or do anything but focus on the school work. I promise. Don't be an octopus, I heard they start to eat themselves alive when in immense levels of stress.” Keith said, worried that he was saying the wrong things. Keith’s arms were dangling to his side while weakly holding his things.

As a matter of fact, Keith’s words were the most perfect words Lance could have ever heard in this moment. He just looked at Keith, trying to breathe calmly, not able to say a single word. Keith knew Lance way too well even after the separation?

Lance’s breathing wasn’t relaxing because looking at Keith after all he had done made him realize that he _couldn't_ hate him.

He couldn't hate that _stupid_ mullet. 

He couldn't hate those _beautiful_ eyes and his pointed nose.

He couldn't hate him because Lance _ran away like a coward_. He ran off after what had happened, leaving _no_ time for _communication_ between him and Keith to even happen.

But Lance also couldn’t be near him without quite literally feeling like he was dying inside. 

The building was no longer closing in on Lance. The bright lights in the hallway were now hurting his tired eyes.

Lance’s body was still in panic mode but he was okay. He could taste the blood from him biting his inner lip too hard.

“Let’s meet up at the library tomorrow, okay?” Keith repeated calmly giving Lance an assured nod.

Lance licked his cold dry lips while anxiously thinking about the last place he'd be with Keith ever again.. t he Library.

"Okay." Lance replied with a weak nod.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had blood, mentions of sexual abuse, and self harm.  
> Please be warned and proceed with caution.  
> I hope you enjoy. I do not own Voltron or any of the characters.

Lance felt the need to make everyone seem like a danger to him. He constantly was at war with himself, His logic versus his anxiety. He couldn't help it though, life had thrown so many things and he had no way of being able to handle them all. Even though his antidepressants helped with his energy and being able to be productive it rarely helped with the thoughts that became ingrained into his head. 

Lance couldn't help his passing thoughts, whether good or bad, they _burned_ through every single cell in his body. Even though Lance has people who love him he still can't fathom being someone who's worth loving.

Keith’s intentions were unknown be he safely assumed it was no good. Very few people have ever done anything good to Lance.

Lance’s dorm smelled of honey and Lavender. He grew lavender near his window where tons of sun would welcome itself in. He would never admit it to anyone but he could never handle the dark very well so having a dorm that had a huge window was a blessing.

The bright sun reminded him of home. Home always made him feel safe. Well- except there were _moments_ \- moments where Lance didn’t feel safe at all. Not even home was safe.

When he was younger, Lance’s father, a very religious man, was not so happy when he found out that Lance liked men just as much as he liked women. The moment he found out, his father threw a display ceramic dish right towards Lance’s face. It just was aimed towards his head but just barely grazed the top of his forehead.

It left Lance a scar but luckily it was high enough that his hair could cover. _Unfortunately_ , that was added to the list of Lance’s trauma’s.

The golden sun rays were high enough to aim right onto Lance’s eyes, which meant it was time to wake up and start the day.

Lance slowly opened his eyes and stared at his ceiling for couple minutes before realizing that his emotions were _not okay_. He suddenly felt fear and pure confusion. His face was expressionless, he was never good at expressing negative emotions.

This cold fear that ran through his body kept him from getting up and out of his bed. It worried him because _today_ he was suppose to go out to the gym and then to the library for the presentation. For the presentation.

Right, yeah, the presentation.

Lance rubbed his head down on his pillow, _digging_ in as if doing so would help him escape into a secret world. One again, no explanations, no reason, no excuses, just .. down.

_ Was it because Keith was back? Was there a reason for this unwanted mix of emotions? _

He felt quite crazy, actually. There would be times where all Lance could do is stare blankly without reason or motive. Even his own family questioned his sanity.

At times like these Lance would spend hours playing video games on his bed or watching Netflix shows. But before doing all of that he had decided to grab his phone and dial a number.

“My man!, whats up, Lance?” Hunk’s voice was soft yet so powerful.

“ _....._ ” Lance opened his mouth to speak but nothing could manage to come out.

“Lance?” Hunk called out to his best friend. “actually , don't say anything, I’ll be there in 15.”

The phone was hung up and he just wanted to start crying but no tears could manage to come out.

He slowly lowered his head back onto the pillow and closed his eyes to relax. He decided that it was best if he didnt need to go to the gym today.

He was lucky that today there was no classes, just the meet up to work on his presentation..

*** * * ***

“ _Knock knock_ ” Hunk’s gentle voice cooed out.”you've got company, Lancey Lance” 

Lance slowly sat up, opening his tired eyes and saw that Pidge had joined Hunk to visit him. Pidge had her nose stuck on her phone, typing as fast as she could. His friends took of their shoes at the front door, just like Lance does, and welcomed themselves in.

“I left behind a robot I made in the class i'm suppose to be in right now.” she paused to go on another frenzy of typing “the one that won first place at the robotics competition last year? That one.” She paused again and typed. “..just typing notes. I'm watching it from here.” Pidge informed while making herself very comfortable on Lance’s full sized bed.

Since Lance literally would start sobbing if he forced himself to speak he prefered to start to use sign language with Hunk “Why didn't she just go to class?” he asked.

“She wanted to be with you.” he said “..and I might have told her I was making my special soup..” Hunk chuckled while putting down his reusable grocery bag on the table.

Hunk loved to make Lance his special soup every time that his anxiety made him unable to speak. He said something about ‘soup relaxing all of your muscles and neutralizing the body’

Lance smiled and rolled his eyes “oh, she _sooo_ wanted to be with me alright.” the sarcasm while he signed was obvious.

Lance wasn't deaf, or mute, he knew that very well but as his anxiety worsened year by year, he started to have random moments where if he even tried to speak he’d just start tearing up and have a full on meltdown.

His father was never too keen on this. There were times where he’d get full on beatings for “ _acting like a crazy person_ ”.

There was also one incident where his mother, a non believer of mental disorders, threatened him to speak. He didn't like remembering the event but in short, he ended up blacking out and harming himself for the first time.

In middle school, they were given four Languages they could choose to learn, Chinese, Spanish, French, and Sign Language. He chose Sign Language because it looked cool and inspiring. Lance went into it knowing it would benefit society to have another person who could sign. 

Two benefits came with learning sign language, number was that he had an efficient way to communicate during difficult times, and number two was that sign class is where he met Hunk, in Sixth grade.

It wasn’t too eventful, all Lance could remember was that fact that he had gotten major stage fright when the teacher forced him to sign in front of the classroom as punishment for falling asleep. Lance had started crying right when he got up there. Hunk then stood up and did the sign along with him. Then he took him to the nurse’s office to lay down, Hunk never left the nurse’s office until Lance did, and that’s how Lance began to love him just as much as he loved Pidge.

It was a current college ritual for Lance, Hunk and Pidge to hang out together to eat and relax almost everyday. They all hated being alone in such a huge campus  so it was an idea Lance was grateful for. He was grateful for their visits.

“So _not_ to address the elephant in the room _but_ are you going to the library today? With.. _you know_ …” Hunk asked, trying his best to fight back a worried tone. Pidge had caught him up on yesterday’s events.

Lance shrugged and sighed while signing “I agreed to going already so I need to keep my word… I guess” 

Pidge scoffed while typing her notes and didn’t say anything.

Lance raised an eyebrow in curiosity and stared at Pidge until she put her phone down only to look at Lance with a serious expression.

She decided to sign it for him, giving a bit of an attitude “This is _not_ about keeping your word at all. You don't have to act like a complete idiot just because it’s Keith. You're acting like he controls you. Ever since back then his influence has controlled all of your decisions and emotional state. So, you're just going to let the past happen again or what, man?”

Lance responded back as quickly as he could, afraid that Pidge would be mad at him “No, I don't. I really don’t. Relax, I am _my own_ person now, Kitkat” he had a worried puppy-like expression on his face. “I just don’t want him to think im rude and i need a good grade anyways.”

Pidge went on top of Lance, sitting on his lap and hugging him tightly. “Don’t worry I'm not mad at you. I just want to shove that guy’s head up his-”

“Pidge.” Hunk stopped her. “We don’t know what Keith has to say about it all. Besides, We aren't bad people so let's not go and say bad things about others.” 

Pidge nodded and continued to type her notes from the class she was suppose to be in while sitting on lance’s lap. “Is it okay if I stay on here?” Pidge asked while cuddling onto him.

Lance responded by hugging her close with one hand and ruffling her hair with the other. Body contact was so good. It never had to be sexual or romantic. Just, the warmth of another person reminded Lance that happy moments did exist in life and that _he deserved affection_.

He rubbed his face against Pidge’s shoulder and sighed “ _Warm._.” he mumbled under his breath and started to tear up.

Pidge heard it even though it was a faint mumble. She leaned in and hugged lance, holding him tightly. “Warm” she repeated back to him, proud that he had managed to say something.

Pidge was a witness to those times Lance would get beaten for not talking. Those beatings would only make Lance’s silence worse.. she would spend months with her best friend being completely silent and traumatized so him speaking was a blessing. Pidge really did fear at certain times that Lance wouldnt ever talk again.

People who thought Lance was just an obnoxious, bubbly and talkative guy were fools.

*** * * ***

**A LOOK INTO SENIOR YEAR: SCARS**

“Stop running so fast, Keith!” Lance cried out in a fit of laughter while chasing after the darker haired male. They were hanging around a small park that was hidden in their town. Barely anyone knew it existed but they always loved to go there after school.

“If you catch me you get a prize!” called out Keith while turning to see if Lance had caught up at all. and It was exactly when he turned around when Lance’s whole body crashed right onto him, sending him back first right onto the grass. 

The impact punched some air right out of Keith’s lungs but even through the burn he still tried his best to hold onto Lance so he wouldn’t be hurt.

“Oh god” Lance cursed under his breath in complete embarrassment. “Oh- _oh god_ , I’m so- _I’m so sorry_.” He stuttered, trying his best to get off of Keith but Keith only pulled him by the waist to get closer.

Lance’s face felt hot by the sudden body contact. Today was a slight fog with a grayish blue sky. It wasn’t like in the cliche romance movies where there was sunshine and clear blue skies. There was no emotional rain either but man did his heart just want to leap out of his chest.

He was pressed right against Keith.

“Don’t worry about it” Keith told him while rubbing his fingers against Lance’s back. “You okay?” he coughed out a little to clear his throat.

“Yeah- Yeah, I’m totally okay.” with a nervous laugh, Lance gave him an assured smile.

Keith stared at Lance, admiring his _perfectly_ tan skin. Lance had the most beautiful curve to his lips when he laughed. The feeling was completely surreal, it was like hearts were hovering all around them.

It felt as if somehow, somewhere, he was struck by this feeling that he’d never felt for a single person. A feeling he knew he’d never forget.

Lance gave Keith a shy kiss on the lips. “That’s my prize.” he said, chuckling a little. “Don’t forget, I caught you, remember?”

“Thats your prize?” Keith asked with a very curious and mischievous gaze.

Lance nodded “Why?-” before he could say anything else, Keith had placed a finger on Lance’s lips.

They stared at each other for what seemed like five minutes. It was intense and Lance had no idea why they only looked but it felt so right. The fire in Keith’s eyes felt more than intoxicating, it was more than just arousal, and Lance knew he was way more into Keith than he was prepared for.

“I was thinking something a little more..” Keith slowly drew near to Lance’s lips. His halfmoon-lidded eyes coming to a complete close while his lips gently touched Lance’s. 

It didn't take even a second for Lance to melt onto Keith’s lips and wrap his arms around his shoulders to push the kiss in deeper.

Lance whimpered into the kiss, feeling a surge of so many emotions rush through his body. In the heat of the moment, Lance ran his fingers through Keith's mullet.

With a soft moan, Keith’s hands started to roam and Lance’s breath started to get more and more hoarse by the second. Their bodies started to make slow and smooth grinding movements, making a young Lance vulnerable. Keith made the kiss harder and moved his hands down onto Lance’s ass but Lance quickly broke off the kiss.

He was new to sexual feelings and the emotions were overwhelming his body. Lance shyly covered his lips with one hand, face turning a bright red like a rose. “That was...”

Keith noticed that Lance’s hair was messy from the sudden collision and decided to fix it a bit. It didn’t take too long for him to catch the scar at the top left corner of Lance’s forehead. It looked like a jagged line about the size of a quarter.

“What happened to your forehead?” Keith said in protective tone of voice.

Lance looked confused for a second until he realized what keith was talking about “oh  oh, this?” he said tapping on the scar. “Ah, this? I got it last year.. it’s a crazy story.” he shrugged like it was nothing.

“Well..” Keith adjusted their positions, keeping Lance on top of him, making sure it was comfortable for the both of them on the grass. “I can stay here with you all day and listen to this crazy story of yours.” Keith assured.

Lance was going to open his mouth to say that it wasn’t necessary but paused to think. He trusted Keith, and he knew everything would be okay. “twas the night before my birthday...” he started on a silly tone and then resumed normally “uh.. I decided to come out to my family about being bisexual.” he looked down and pursed his lips to the side, feeling a bit uneasy. “Yeah, my dad did not take it well.”

Lance started to explain what had happened and then proceeded to show Keith more scars that were left on his elbows from his anxiety attacks after the incident. Lance explained that he would scratch himself so violently that he had left solid scars from his nails dragging through his skin. He told him that he didn’t stop making his arms bleed from scratches until a month after the whole thing had happened and all that remained were the scars to serve as a memory.

Lance sighed “but then I moved in with my older sister” he said “and everything got better because I realized that it was not up to my family what I wanted to do in the future. It was my life and I could do whatever my heart wants” he finished proudly.

Keith cleared his throat to ask Lance “don’t you…. _regret_ coming out?”

Lance shrugged “I don’t think I regret coming out. I’m still happy that I told them a very crucial part of myself. Everyone accepted me but my dad so his opinion just not welcome anymore.” He tried his best to keep his tone casual.

Since scars were being mentioned, Lance wanted to ask Keith about his scars. He reached out for Keith’s right hand and pointed to tiny circular scars that sat at the top of it. “What are these from?” he asked, gently grazing his fingers over the tiny circles.

Keith sighed a bit “they’re cigarette burns” he quickly added before Lance could open his mouth to rant about the dangers of smoking. “I don’t smoke anymore, I promise. But back when I was in korea smoking was a huge social thing. If you didn't smoke with your friends you'd never bond or be real friends. It also helped with my anger issues but i stopped once i moved to america.”

Lance wasn’t a fan of smoking, it reminded him of his father but he was happy knowing Keith had stopped.

“What made you angry?” he looked down, asked nervously. “ _If_ \- you feel comfortable telling..”

Keith was picking grass from the ground while speaking “It comes with no surprise to find out that I went through most of my life with no friends whatsoever. I just wasn't the type to fit in with anyone. But the owners of the orphanage I was from had these two twin sons, Kuroo and Shiro, who would help me with my issues a lot of the time. Just having them around made me feel like I had no worries as a kid, only happiness. I was really lonely but i always had them. Something happened to their mother so their dad forced them to move back to Japan to have a fresh start. I was adopted soon after.” Keith looked angry and annoyed when he started to remember the friends he had lost. Lance held his hand in hopes that he’d help. “They closed the orphanage when I tried to find contact with them again.”

“It’s okay, you're not alone.” Lance reminded him. “You aren’t alone..”

Keith gave a shy smile and nodded “After the twins left I had no control over my anger. I was a complete outcast and during freshman year I picked up the bad habit of smoking and hung out with the wrong group, I did a lot stupid things. I was just alone.”

Lance let go of Keith’s hand to wrap his arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly. “Just remember, _I’m here now_.”

“Yeah..” Keith said a bit taken aback by the sudden realization that he was actually being cared for “ _you're here_.” he held Lance as close as he could.

“Besides, I read this buddhist self help book once and it taught me that the propensity to get angry is like a seed that one just keeps watering and nurturing. We find comfort in being around our own negative space when in truth we should practice to not follow where our repressed thoughts and emotions might go. It’s not the fact that you have to destroy the anger but rather never group yourself with it because it is not and will never be you. The first step is to notice that you get filled with negative amounts of anger, which you have done already and it's amazing because not a lot of people ever do that, Keith... and As you catch yourself getting angry, and hurting yourself mentally, you will have a growing understanding that you're not a bad person who needs to shape up but a good person with a temporary, habitual monster that is causing you a lot of suffering.” Lance babbled on, explaining about more cool things he had learned while reading the book. He wanted to inform Keith that he wasn’t scared to work on emotional issues. “That isn't just for anger though..” Lance nervously looked up to the sky. “It’s for any unwanted emotion..” He was clearly speaking towards himself and his depressing anxiety.

Keith tugged him in closer, leaving no space in between their bodies at all.

_This exact moment,_ it was odd for the both of them, they were both two boys who were not use to being physical. _Warmth and comfort from another person felt completely strange for both ends._

They started kissing again, forgetting about their unwanted scars, both completely unaware of the fact that they were getting use to each other.

Both completely oblivious to the fact that their hearts would never heal without having one another because of the simple fact being, they were meant to love.

_ They were meant to love each other. _

*** * * ***

Lance wore a light gray baggy sweater and skinny jeans to the library. He still couldn't talk but decided that there wasn’t even _anything_ to talk about with him.

He had prepared all that they needed to start the presentation, it was just a matter of getting through the session with Keith.

Lance sat down at a table, scratching his elbows, wondering if he had arrived too early.

While he was sitting down his mind decided to go off into an unwanted tangent and remember what happened back then. He started to repicture what keith had done to him and it made him feel the worst.

He remembered that _none of that would have ever happened_ if Kuroo and Shiro had not come back from Japan to reunite with Keith.

_ He remembered being extremely blushy and nervous while asking Keith to prom. _

_ Only to get rejected. _

_ He remembered Keith walking into prom with Kuroo as a date instead of him, _

_ Only to spend the whole prom night crying. _

_ He remembered drinking too much of the spiked punch and confronting Keith in the middle of the whole senior class, _

_ Only to be beaten by an angry Kuroo who was telling him that Keith only was around him out of pity. _

_ He remembered Keith not doing anything to defend him from being beat into a pulp, _

_ Only to have the heart beaten out of him. _

_ He remembered the dizzy taste of blood and everyone screaming for Kuroo to stop, _

_ Only to faint on the ground. _

_ He remembered waking up at the prom after party, _

_ Only to be greeted by complete strangers in his grade who had no interest in him whatsoever. _

_ He remembered limping around and looking in each room of the house for someone to give him a ride home, _

_ Only to walk into Keith having a heated makeout session with no one other than Kuroo. _

There was so much _running, crying, bleeding_ and _screaming_ that day. The memories were _too much to handle_. _Keith was too much to handle_.

He felt the rush of his ears starting to ring which quickly signaled Lance to escape this meeting while he could.

Nausea forced him to grabbed his satchel and while looking directly at the ground, he quickly rushed towards the library doors.

“Lance?” That voice made Lance freeze in place. He shakingly looked up and held onto his satchel so hard that his knuckles turned white.

Lance opened his mouth to speak “I..” he teared up “ _fuck_ -” his eyesight was blurry now, staring right at only a fogged up shape of Keith. He decided to rush right passed him.

He started heaving and running “Lance! Lance!! _Wait! Please!_ ” his eyes were flooded and he just begged to just escape this horror. He knew he should've listened to his gut the second he had woken up in the morning.

He should've stayed in his dorm with Pidge. Running back to safety was all that mattered.

_ He should've stayed he should've stayed goddamn he should have- _

“ _Lance_!” he was harshly grabbed by the wrist.

Both men were heaving and out of breathe. Lance was too hard in panic mode to realize he wasn't even going the right direction to get to his dorm. He shoved Keith's hand away.

“Uhm…” Keith scratched his neck. Lance realized he still had the same quirks he did back then. “Did something bad happen? please...”

“You happened.” Lance spoke out while sobbing and falling onto the ground. “You happened. You happened. _You happened_.” he repeated himself over and over, feeling _no_ sense of control and just breaking down.

Keith stood there, afraid, but realizing that _this is and will not be about him_. Lance was the only person that was truly  _important_. So he slowly bent down onto the grass and pulled Lance into his arms. “I’m sorry.. I know I did a lot... but- but I’m going to hold you now.” he said politely and trying his best not to cry. “I’m not the best option but I’m here. _I’m sorry_.”

Lance was violently shaking and trying his best to push Keith away but his panic attack had him feeling weaker and paralyzed. “Stop it I hate you. Stop. Stop acting like you- like you care. Stop!” he sobbed out.

“I do care, Lance. I do care. _I do care. I do care. I care so much it kills me._ I don’t deserve anything for hurting you but goddamn I fucking care so much it _kills_ me everyday.” Keith’s voice was hoarse and filled with pain.

“Why- Why-” Lance had a hard time getting the words he needed to say out. “Why did you do that? _I thought I- I thought I meant more to you. I thought we were- I thought you- god i'm so stupid_ ” he grabbed his chest, feeling like a truck had just slammed onto him.

“We shouldn't talk about this while you're like this, please.” Keith rubbed lance’s hair.

“No! _No_.” Lance pushed himself off Keith and wiped his face from the tears and boogers that were seeping out of his nose. “I need to know” He sniffled a bit and looked directly at Keith with his swollen pink eyes, it was now or never. There would _never_ be a good time to talk about this.

“Okay… well…” Keith crossed his legs while sitting on the ground. “Kuroo was my childhood crush while I was at the orphanage... He also had a crush on me but he became an obsessive and vicious person. That obsession is the only reason he managed to track me down in the first place. I wasn't forced to go to prom with him but i was badly influenced by him. I got back into the bad things i use to do in Korea. I separated myself from you because the rush of doing those things changed me, something inside me knew I’d never forgive myself for letting you see me like that.” Keith sighed and kept his eyes on the ground. “I…. never knew he was going to attack you. I never knew he was…. a monster. I was under some drug, I sadly don't remember. All I remember is you being beaten and you walking in the room while he was forcing himself onto me.”

Lance’s eyes were wide open “.. _.forcing?_ ” the ringing in his ears was quiet. Suddenly, everything was quiet

“Uh, _yeah_ , it was nothing.” Keith said casually as if it actually was nothing. “I wasn't sober so it's foggy but I fought with him after he had hurt you and I yelled at him but he was stronger than me by a lot. He dragged me to the after party and told me to ‘look happy with him.’” Keith cleared his throat and laughed “He was _really_ jealous about how much I cared bout you. He was _really_ angry that I was defending you, so he wanted to claim me as his.”

That’s when lance witnessed Keith’s tears silently dripping down is face. “It was nothing. _To be honest, I deserved it_. I did. I deserved every minute of what he did to me. _Karma eventually comes back to everyone_.” Keith wiped the tears and took a large inhaled to relax.

Lance was shocked from the news. “How could you say that was nothing?” he said strictly, although the boogers dripping down his nose made him look otherwise. “You didn't-” he sighed, disappointed in himself.

Keith chuckled out “I did. I let myself get carried away with old habits. I did everything I shouldn't have and I broke everything that-.”

“Shut up.” Lance said. This was all too much too much to handle. All this time he lived on the fact that Keith was a useless piece of garbage. He was absolutely caught off guard.

“What?” Keith asked.

“Just- I need quiet, please.” Lance said trying not to start hyperventilating again. He hugged his knees while holding his phone to text in the group chat for his two best friends to be at his dorm to spend the night with him.

Lance took a deep inhale and realized that _it was never just all about him_. It was always about both of them and he was selfish for thinking that it was just him who was hurt for as long as he did. All of this made him speechless, he didn't say anything at all, he couldn't.

Keith had tried to talk during their awkward stroll but lance shook his head to signal that he just wasn't able to handle anymore strain without having another breakdown.

The walk was awkward, yes. but they did it together. It was a quiet afternoon, foggy just like that day at the park.

Both Keith and Lance tiredly waved their goodbyes and Lance safely arrived at his dorm.

His mind was numb and processing as much of the information that he was given.

He needed to let it out and tell Pidge and Hunk.. but- _but just how much of a right did he have to tell them what had happened to Keith?_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much for updating every week right? haha  
> Anyways, this story gets worse this is not the end of it.  
> I don't edit it or revise i just write and post like the dusty person i am so don't be picky i'm just doing me.

**Author's Note:**

> (will update every week or bi-weekly)


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